{"product_id":"artifact-003-a-classification-crotchgate-hoodie-white","title":"Classification: Crotchgate — Premium Hoodie in White","description":"\u003cp\u003eComfort Colors premium unisex garment-dyed hoodie in White.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eAn official document, rendered in cotton.\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eCATEGORY: CULTURAL INCIDENT\u003cbr\u003eCLASSIFICATION: CROTCHGATE\u003cbr\u003eCURRENT STATUS: MEASURED\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThe typography references institutional labeling — evenly spaced, deliberate, unemotional.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eThe humor is not in exaggeration.\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eIt is in documentation.\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003ePresented horizontally across the chest like a filed report.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eStructured. Archival. Calmly incriminating.\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003ePremium Construction\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThis is a heavyweight, garment-dyed hoodie designed for durability and structure. A relaxed cut offers a comfortable \u003cstrong\u003eunisex fit suitable for most body types\u003c\/strong\u003e.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThe ring-spun cotton blend provides softness without sacrificing density, and the washed finish gives it a broken-in feel from day one.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cul\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eRelaxed unisex fit for layering\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eGarment-dyed for depth and worn-in softness\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e80% ring-spun cotton, 20% polyester\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e9.5 oz\/yd² (322 g\/m²) heavyweight fabric\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eGarment-dyed cotton drawcord, color-matched to body\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eDouble Stitched front pouch pocket\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong class=\"size-guide-title\"\u003eSize guide\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cdiv class=\"table-responsive dynamic\" data-unit-system=\"imperial\"\u003e\n\u003ctable cellpadding=\"5\"\u003e\n\u003ctbody\u003e\n\u003ctr\u003e\n\u003ctd\u003e \u003c\/td\u003e\n\u003ctd\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eA (inches)\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/td\u003e\n\u003ctd\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eB (inches)\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/td\u003e\n\u003ctd\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eC (inches)\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/td\u003e\n\u003c\/tr\u003e\n\u003ctr\u003e\n\u003ctd\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eS\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/td\u003e\n\u003ctd\u003e27 ½\u003c\/td\u003e\n\u003ctd\u003e21\u003c\/td\u003e\n\u003ctd\u003e31 ½\u003c\/td\u003e\n\u003c\/tr\u003e\n\u003ctr\u003e\n\u003ctd\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eM\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/td\u003e\n\u003ctd\u003e28 ½\u003c\/td\u003e\n\u003ctd\u003e23\u003c\/td\u003e\n\u003ctd\u003e33 ½\u003c\/td\u003e\n\u003c\/tr\u003e\n\u003ctr\u003e\n\u003ctd\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eL\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/td\u003e\n\u003ctd\u003e29 ½\u003c\/td\u003e\n\u003ctd\u003e25\u003c\/td\u003e\n\u003ctd\u003e35 ¼\u003c\/td\u003e\n\u003c\/tr\u003e\n\u003ctr\u003e\n\u003ctd\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eXL\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/td\u003e\n\u003ctd\u003e30 ½\u003c\/td\u003e\n\u003ctd\u003e26 ½\u003c\/td\u003e\n\u003ctd\u003e36 ¾\u003c\/td\u003e\n\u003c\/tr\u003e\n\u003ctr\u003e\n\u003ctd\u003e\u003cstrong\u003e2XL\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/td\u003e\n\u003ctd\u003e31 ½\u003c\/td\u003e\n\u003ctd\u003e28\u003c\/td\u003e\n\u003ctd\u003e38 ¼\u003c\/td\u003e\n\u003c\/tr\u003e\n\u003ctr\u003e\n\u003ctd\u003e\u003cstrong\u003e3XL\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/td\u003e\n\u003ctd\u003e32 ½\u003c\/td\u003e\n\u003ctd\u003e29 ½\u003c\/td\u003e\n\u003ctd\u003e39 ¼\u003c\/td\u003e\n\u003c\/tr\u003e\n\u003c\/tbody\u003e\n\u003c\/table\u003e\n\u003c\/div\u003e","brand":"Accidental Anthems","offers":[{"title":"S","offer_id":47415096443129,"sku":"2163769_24868","price":74.0,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"M","offer_id":47415096475897,"sku":"2163769_24869","price":74.0,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"L","offer_id":47415096508665,"sku":"2163769_24870","price":74.0,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"XL","offer_id":47415096541433,"sku":"2163769_24871","price":74.0,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"2XL","offer_id":47415096574201,"sku":"2163769_24872","price":74.0,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"3XL","offer_id":47415096606969,"sku":"2163769_24873","price":74.0,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0797\/7097\/6505\/files\/unisex-garment-dyed-hooded-sweatshirt-i-comfort-colors-1567-white-front-698e20dd0d366.jpg?v=1771187433","url":"https:\/\/accidentalanthems.com\/products\/artifact-003-a-classification-crotchgate-hoodie-white","provider":"Accidental Anthems","version":"1.0","type":"link"}