{"title":"Classification: Crotchgate | Release No. 001 - Crotchgate","description":"\u003ch1\u003eClassification: Crotchgate | Release No. 001 - Crotchgate\u003c\/h1\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThe formal record.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eAccidental Anthems presents the incident in institutional language:\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eCategory.\u003cbr\u003eClassification.\u003cbr\u003eCurrent Status.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eMeasured.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThe documentation block appears exactly as it would in an archive — except rendered in cotton, fleece, and glass.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eWearable record-keeping.\u003cbr\u003eFunctional objects with official tone.\u003c\/p\u003e","products":[{"product_id":"artifact-003-d-classification-crotchgate-tee-black","title":"Classification: Crotchgate — Premium Tee in Black","description":"\u003cp\u003eComfort Colors premium garment-dyed unisex heavyweight t-shirt in Black.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThe documentation block appears in high contrast on Black.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThe institutional formatting remains unchanged — centered, evenly spaced, deliberate.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThe darker field sharpens the tone:\u003cbr\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eThis is no longer commentary.\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eIt is record.\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eCategory: Cultural Incident.\u003cbr\u003eClassification: Crotchgate.\u003cbr\u003eCurrent Status: Measured.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eStructured. 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